My Heart

Written from:
My Heart
Wants to rest in the stillness of God and creation.
My Heart wants to know the duplicity of “whence cometh my help”.
My Heart wants to know “IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL”.
My Heart weeps for the MOTHER’S that will have vivid images of their sons gunned down in the streets like a rabid dog.
My Heart weeps for the silence bestowed upon the fragility of superiority. The silence is so loud.
My Heart weeps as I trust God to take this bitter cup of evilness.
My Heart. My Heart. My Heart

Surreal Uncertainty

I have thought over the last few weeks of what to write. Not sure of what to speak. Wondering if my prowess would reach the limitation of maniacal understanding. I first sought to comprehend the storm that tore through imagination, by way of a tornado in Tennessee. Some images I will never unsee. I will never unsee what remained of what was once a budding pillar in the community. I wanted to unsee the despair. I wanted to unsee the pain. I wanted the 23rd Psalms to confirm for me that, the Lord was truly my Shepherd, even in disparaging times. The world watched and held their breath as the list of those deceased, included multiple children. Though we walked through the valley of the shadow.

The heart of fear has crept in many of us as an indistinguishable, unidentifiable agent seeks to destroy humanity. The coronavirus (COVID-19) has stopped us in our tracks. It has caused us to reflect on our own demise. What we have dedicated our futures to (He maketh me lie). The country, no the world,no the planet has come to a complete hault (Still waters). There are days that I have stayed awake all night trying to find the serendipitous end to the calamity that plagues us (He leads me). But then there is an evolving thought, what if this was meant for us to focus (Walk the valley). We have focused on our careers, our finances, our education. Collectively, we have forgotten or relationships, the potential of our children, the why of creation (He comforts me).

I see clearer now, like the skyline with unpolluted thought processing (Prepared table). We are now reliant on our fellow neighbor. We are operating in who we have always been called to be (overflowed cup). Even the cataclysmic falling of inevitable death around the globe, love thy neighbor as thyself is articulated (Goodness and mercy). Maybe we had to slow down in life to appreciate the space created to just be. To just be Free ( For You are with me). As we continue to shift in this season (the Rod) may we find Peace to endure and grace to forgive others that trespass. May we seek greater through supplication in prayer (Prepared Table).

It is my earnest prayer that we all take this time to live and love more (goodness and mercy). Taking this new normal and time to dwell in His House.

PAIN INSIDE

As I have walked this unequivocal journey of CANcer, I am reminded of my counterparts who continue to fight, those who lay in the balance of death more than life. I would beg God on their behalf if I was sure it would change the situation. The magnitude of grief that this invisible cell causes, creates a pain that only Jesus understands from the Cross to the Grave. It changes you. The way you think. How you feel. The macro and micro pain, that causes one to shiver in the throws of “is it back”. Some things I will never understand. Today, CANcer is one of them.

Repressed Tears of Fragility

I offer up my silent tears at 1:06am. I offer up my silent tears, as I waited in the OB/GYN this morning for a 6 week check-up from a total hysterectomy. I offer up my silent tears as the 4th pregnant woman walked past. I sit silently, praying for my name to be called. As the tears fall from my face, I wipe them away, as if something is caught in my eyes. I sit thinking for what seem like an hour but equated to 15 mins. Hoping my name is the next to be called. I’m suffocating explicitly of guilt, shame, maybe I should have waited to go through this. I reached out to God silently in that strategic moment.

Depraved Thoughtlessnsss

I communicated my feelings of pain. Needing the undercarriage of understanding in the moment. In yet, I was reminded, I would be a testament to other women who needed hope. Momentarily, I don’t give a damn about what another woman needs to hear. In the moment, I don’t want to be her testimony of faith that brought her through. I indeed need someone to understand my temporary moment of brokenness. Understand, I am the woman trying to reach His garment. Understand, I am the man sitting on the side of the road.

Finding Words

I am seeking to give some type of epiphany or antiquated thought of somehow my correlation will reach the dichotomy of scripture; that meets pain where faith intersects. Knowing He is my refuge still. Today, I offer up my silent tears.

Glimpse of Reality

I lie awake thinking of my own grief. The complexities of almost 4 years of countless battles. Wondering how the Master of perfection had some how made the phases of me imperfect.

Fast Forward

This blog today isn’t about me but the complexity of issues that people face daily. A few weeks ago I met E ( for the purpose of her anonymity) to give her baby clothes. Her smile was impeccable. We conversed for a few moments about the happenings of life and children growing up. We hugged and went on our way.

What Appeared to Be

In parting of our ways, the lasting effect of her smile left me in a place of serendipity. I wished her well in future life stances that was happening. Looking back maybe I should looked past the core of existential being. As I woke on Friday, I was greeted by RIP posts on her timeline. I thought, surely, she wasn’t sick. I began to pray-maybe this wrong. Unfortunately, E was gone. Her infectious smile faded. The beaming mother faded. Her life stances faded.

The Community

Vance (2017), suggested that the adult Black community is 20% more likely to experience serious mental health problems, such as Major Depressive Disorder or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Additonally, Black community exists at the intersection of racism, classism, and health inequity, their mental health needs are often exacerbated and mostly unfulfilled. In order to assist special populations; destigmatizing mental health can be achieved by helping people, especially in the Black community, to understand that mental health is an essential part of well-being.

Finality

For E, I would have sat with her. I would have held her hand. Reassuring her that we could fight together, but life overwhelmed her vessel. There are many E’s in the world that are contemplating the exodus of living. There are people who can assist you to feel better. No-on has to fight alone. To E, I wish you love, light and peace on your journey home.

If you or anyone you know is facing or contemplating suicide please seek attention. You matter and your voice matters.

Broken Womanhood

July 26 was a day I won’t long forget. I started the night before prepping for my 8th surgery. I contemplated calling the surgeon and saying, “cancel me”. I had for so long knew this day was coming. Maybe I could deal with the horrendous cycles each month. Perhaps, cancer cells would cease to be. I will just wish all my problems away 👌. Reality was I needed this to heal my body.

Paging July 26 💔

This was the day my womb would be empty. Wait, as if removing my breasts 3 years ago wasn’t enough. Now my womb. It came as no surprise that I would be entering a state of pause. I can’t help but think Why has my body forsaken me? People don’t understand your grieving process. They can’t because I don’t understand.

Flashes of Heat rising

I have now had 2 weeks of rising heat in my stomach to my face. As the memories fade of a well thought out plan of motherhood evoked in dreams now. May be His plans weren’t mine. And today the plan stinks. I’m sure I won’t feel this way always but today I seek Peace. Mind, Body, Soul. Peace.

Caught in Between

It has been a few month’s since I poured what my mind feels and thinks. The emotive response that I have received after sharing that I was having a total hysterectomy was “it’s for the best”🙄. You learn to smile graciously as you think about the miscarriage of injustice that has evoked your womb for a decade. The stillbirth of presence that has held you in silence. Thinking how you begged God to allow your body just ☝️ time to hold on to expectancy of unborn access. My soul aches.

Being Strong in Faithless Moments

I am reminded of Paul in Timothy 2:1-13. It reminds me of how even in suffering the strength of Grace is what keeps me. These last few months of decisions has made me feel despair. I have cried tears that only God understands. But in those tears God reminded me of the absolution of Grace. Grace that has sustained me.

Today, I am giving myself permission to feel pain. Understanding that my physical womb will be abandoned in 4 days but my spiritual womb is getting ready to carry this baby to full term. The guidance of labor to push. Knowing that God has given me Grace to rest upon His word and birth greatness.
Joshua 1:9 Be strong and courageous; do notbe frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

On the other Side

Cancer tends to mess with your mind more than the physical element. Lately my heart has affixed to the dysmorphology of my body. Maybe I had a hidden stomach when I had breasts but now the destention makes me feel like the woman giving birth to nothingness. The last 2 days for whatever reason it has really played with my head. I felt really unpretty. As I cried out in the moment a song came on that said “and if our God is for us, then who can be against us” ❤. God shows me glimpses of who He is, but in that moment He was my Comforter.

Today

I am in a different space today. I still see the perfect imperfections that was created in His infinite wisdom. We will be faced in life at some point in time with transgressed passageways that make us question the ability of the Being created to heal us. I find comfort in knowing that His word is hidden within my heart. “He heals the brokenhearted”.

I am crawling to the other side of manifested healing. I am learning to cry when necessary and to pick myself back up in the space and moment when needed. Trusting the process is sometimes hard but pushing through rested serenity is necessary.

God breathe for me while on spiritual life support

Copywritten 2019 Danielle L. Brown