On the other Side

Cancer tends to mess with your mind more than the physical element. Lately my heart has affixed to the dysmorphology of my body. Maybe I had a hidden stomach when I had breasts but now the destention makes me feel like the woman giving birth to nothingness. The last 2 days for whatever reason it has really played with my head. I felt really unpretty. As I cried out in the moment a song came on that said “and if our God is for us, then who can be against us” ❤. God shows me glimpses of who He is, but in that moment He was my Comforter.

Today

I am in a different space today. I still see the perfect imperfections that was created in His infinite wisdom. We will be faced in life at some point in time with transgressed passageways that make us question the ability of the Being created to heal us. I find comfort in knowing that His word is hidden within my heart. “He heals the brokenhearted”.

I am crawling to the other side of manifested healing. I am learning to cry when necessary and to pick myself back up in the space and moment when needed. Trusting the process is sometimes hard but pushing through rested serenity is necessary.

God breathe for me while on spiritual life support

Copywritten 2019 Danielle L. Brown

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I Found Myself

I found myself replaying life’s game of musical chairs. I found myself searching the diabolical timestamp disillusioned by the clanging of wind chimes outside my window. I wanted to understand the peak of existence. I wanted to understand the peak of existence. I WANTED TO UNDERSTAND THE PEAK OF EXISTENCE. What does that even mean?

Epiphany

I’ve been seeking so long for who I was. Only to come to the realization that it was He who gave me the private, lonely, personal illumination, revelation, of ecstasy in my hierarchy of needs. It was in the moment of trusted situations of life that revealed itself that she deserves more. It was this moment when she understood- IT IS OK TO EXIST

Let Me Off This Ride

Sometimes life truly has a way of presenting defaulted reality. This week I have had more pain than post chemo. I told God how I felt. I was angry. I wanted Him to answer me “why in the heck did you choose me for this ride” I don’t want to be a spokesperson. I don’t want to be the personal hero for some and the strong -willed faithed woman. I just want to be normal God. I’m yelling and sobbing “Let Me Off This Ride”. How do I go from living life and riding the wave to having my head covered in the shallow existence of the ocean? I could really use a parted sea moment right now God 🙄. Perhaps if I touch the hem or maybe You can lay hands on me. But for all things sacred and just “Let me off this ride

Circumference of Life

My friend calls me and says, the Dr has done everything they know to do. She is stage 4. They only can make her comfortable in hospice. Her babies are 7 and 4. Ok ok God ok “Let me ride” if it means saving her let me ride. I won’t complain anymore. I will take the pain and aches. I promise, let her live “Let me ride”.

Reality

I have come to the realization that Pain indicates that a real life transformation is needed. There is a place in me that needs refuge. New strength must abound in my temporary situation. But how? How do I seek new strength? How do I stop the pain from numbing the exterior of my being?

Invocation of His Presence

Struggling like most with spiritual inconsistency, it’s so easy to let my circumstances undermine how I feel about God, and even sometimes how much I really trust His plan. I am learning that my pain is the gift that engenders me to fight with tenacity knowing there’s healing in His presence.

God,

I am never alone, because You are with me. I am not weak, because Your blood permeates within me. I am not empty, because I have drank from the cup where I will never thirst again. Abba, You are my dwelling place. And in You I have shelter from every cancer cell in my body. Tonight, I realize the ride was meant for me. I can’t see the entirety of the ground unless I’m airborne. In this walk I will trust you Oh God. I WILL RIDE.

SELAH

COPYRIGHT 2019 DANIELLE L. BROWN

Peace in GoodBye

This one won’t be long. I find myself in my thoughts at 5am. A piece that I have prepared. There have been times where I have played the roster of daughter, friend, sister, aunt mother, significant other, the captor. Risking every thing to save others’ while deteriorating my own personal growth. Creating spaces that appeared to be checkers but providing chess pieces in entities that deserved no board. Having sought time after time to repair broken hearts mend failed ships of relations. The shoulder to hear the cries of others’ brokenness. Time after time extending the olive branch of life to bridge connectedness all the while the discontinuity of peril in seeking acceptance in line with what love says it is. Genuine love. Unadulterated Divine Love.

To Whom It may concern,

Today, I found me. When you were naked I clothed. When hungry I fed. When all cried out I held. When nowhere to go I took in. And when you arrived to a place of happenstance you hopped from the fall of gravity with not as much as. Thank You. Please sir, maam, KEEP that same energy as I find Peace in my Goodbye.

Copyright 2019 Danielle L. Brown

I’M TIRED OF THIS CHURCH

Preface

Many weeks ago a little boy stood in front of the congregation. Microphone in hand and decried, “I’M TIRED OF THIS CHURCH” With loud gasps people were shocked the young man said such a thing. Reality he said what so many of us are thinking. This piece is not an indictment on any person (s) but moreso the body as a whole.

THE MIDDLE PASSAGE

At first, I must admit, I laughed thinking, “oh he is in big trouble ” then I thought, “why”. Why is he making this statement? What is going through his mind. Do they call him to dance or sing or recite so much that he is just plain tired? I’m tired of this church too son.

So often we are called into the deep of ministry. We give tirelessly. We use the effective gifts week in and week out. We sometimes pump and prime those who have already been tired of the church. The church has become the place of feel good words where early Sunday morning, He got up with all power. But the guise is the soul has not been fed. The psycho-social charismatic idea that church has become a playground of external bullying into submission- I’m tired of this church. Knowing, we in ministry, can’t pour out when our own spirit is broken. Broken by the miscarriages of all things just. Broken in so many spaces, we hide in front of the veil, committing spiritual suicide.

“These things I have spoken to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world”.

IN My Thoughts

The church is a powerful purveyor of ministry damage. Churches have transformed into dysfunctional organizations that eat their young and kill the spirit of the wounded.

Dale Wolery stated, “churches are hooked on the powerful god of numeric growth, choked on the we-have-always-done-it-this-way poison, mesmerized by celebrity-status leadership, bound by the business model, and therefore blinded by collective denial. These approaches grind relentlessly on ministry marriages. Without forethought or malice, churches just do what churches do”

To discover the Lord’s reconstructive work in the tired ministry we must look deeper than most in the current church are willing. One must understand the sources of the widespread damage and propose real life solutions, that seek to unify instead of beating the same soundless drums.

God can Heal.

But the tired church has lost its ability to divert board and other leadership groups from the priority of business agendas to the priority of praying God’s desires.

Lay person’s speak words of encouragement to someone who’s ready to quit and are tired. Embody the presence of the Lord … and watch what God will do!

It is next to impossible to take a glimpse of God’s grace, and it’s equally impossible to predict who God may use to extend that grace to us. Ask yourself am I apart of the problem or solution of being tired in the church? God may be using you to change a story forever.

Incomplete connection

Plugging my phone to charge and 10 mins later when it should have been halfway charged it said incomplete connection. Ahhh God has a sense of humor🤣. How often are we connected to a power source (people, place, or things) that in reality drain our battery of emotions, peace, happiness, and human experience? We sometimes connect to that connection because sometimes it is packaged just right. Or perhaps the circumstance presents a forethought of connectedness. But in reality ma’am/sir the power connection is faulty. Now in reality sometimes you can unplug and reconnect. Much like I did. The phone now says fast charging. But in order for me to gain a distinct connection, I had to unplug and restart the process for a different outcome.

There comes a point in life where we must check our connections. Does it bring about growth and prosperity (charging battery) or is it stagnant and not producing energy? When you meet yourself in the middle of the road, what connections do you have? Seek your power source because He knows you by name. Today I choose to be connected to uneloping energy.

Wounded

Maya Angelou once wrote “I know why the caged bird sings”. I had no idea at the time I was a caged bird, seeking reciprocity from the unending perch in life. While I sit waiting in my car, looking through new eyeglass lenses, my eyes were out of focus in my previous prescription. I had a foreward thought much like a caged bird, it is only able to see so far off in the distance. Its’ only relevance sees the immediate surroundings. My eyes for a year has only seen my immediate surroundings, my vision hasn’t been clear. I had to squint to focus. I has to study the lines of the road, sometimes misjudging my space.

*Ephiphany Moment*

So often in life we see life through a specific lens void of existential forethought of the world. We focus so much on what is seen but we don’t focus energy on what is unseen. Hmm. That is a scripture 🙄. I want to see the not of yielding unto temptation. I seek to understand the road less taken. What is on the road? Will I see the winding of the road? Possibly if I utilize my new lense of life. Focusing my thoughts on the actualization that what appears is not always what it seems.

Forethought

I am no longer the caged bird that sings. I see with my heart. I see with my ears. I see with my hands. I see with my eyes. Appearances will never gain access to the lifeblood of heaven. I shall seek divine wisdom in truth and prosperity. I will sing high above the clouds. No longer will the perlious thoughts of accidental occlusion bind the conscience of my voice. No longer perched visionless.